When Silence Screams...

Yesterday began like normal.

The usual 'double snooze', yawn and stretch, "Good Morning, Daddy...etc", wish I had gone to sleep earlier, roll out of bed-careful of new ink(tender tender...oosh), tip-toe into the girls room to wake Maddie Rose, get caught by two big blue eyes, cuddle a baby girl and get ALL kinds of squeezes(complete with precious grunts) and slobbery kisses(complete with new teeth..O_o), set out clothing for the oldest princess, open the door to the teenage sanctuary and flip on the stairwell light and tap the wall, "Tucker..."(wait for response) "Time to get up, dude." (wait until I hear the appropriate responding grunt), make my way to the kitchen with baby on the hip to make her bottle and then plop her on a pillow in the floor with it while I make my way into the little boys room,  and I as pass the Tweenager's cave, I flip on the light, tapping the wall, "Up and at-em, bud...let's go." Turn on the light in the Twin Tornadoes room singing the wake up song, " Grab pull-up and clothing and shoes for the day...etc...

Need I go on about our morning routine..?? Yeah, no. I'm bored with typing it.

After the 'etc...' and after we return from school drop off and I get the eldest two started on their school work, had an AMAZING visit(as usual) with one of my besties.

Shaping up to be a wonderful day.

Who knew that a simple phone call could pack such a punch?...I mean MMA worthy.

My mom's voice came across the line, "Nicki, They've been trying to get intouch with you and Shane. Larry (shane's amazing stepdad) collapsed at work and they suspect a heart attack...and they say he's unresponsive."

She didnt have time to finish another sentence because my very pregnant sister-in-law was beeping in.

I ended the convo with my mom abruptly and flipped over to the sound of my mother-in-law weeping hysterically in the background, going on about needing Shane and please tell him to come now...My sis-in-law didnt have any other info other than what my mom had shared just seconds before other than they were on the way to Southern Regional. I promised I would contact Shane and the convo ended.

I stood in my kitchen stunned. It didnt seem possible. This man who was so full of humor and life...My 'Pickin' buddy...the one who suffered thru one of my band's practices...because it was MY music, and then he sat and picked with them and showed them a thing or two about country music. The one I would sit on the back porch and sing with. The one who believed in me enough to go to a little bar in backwoods Alabama and play the guitar for me in Nashville Star because he just KNEW I was going to win it and when I didn't got indignant about it. "Them judges is outta their damn minds!" The one whose hugs would take the air slap outta your lungs. It couldnt be...No, Daddy...I wont receive this.

Oddly, I didnt have tears. I almost felt like I was betraying the gravity of the situation bc of it. The only explanation I have is Peace.

I immediately began making all the necessary phone calls and texts, but before I could even get thru the second text, my husband called and I could barely make out the words that would impact us in ways that only those who have experienced sudden, unexpected loss can understand.

"Nicki...", He was sobbing, "He's gone...he died."

"Oh..." was all I could muster. It just seemed so surreal...there were no words that would make my husband feel better or ease his pain so I let him cry and held him in my heart and simply said, "I love you."

As the afternoon progressed, the Peace grew and, even faced with the task of facing my broken husband, my precious distraught mother-in-law as she stroked her husband's hair, watching my very preggers sister-in-law distance herself from the situation to protect herself and her unborn child, The haggard face of my father-in-law's sweet momma, the shocked face of his brother, the broken, guilt-stricken face of his supervisor(who found him)...even faced with of all of this, still no tears...only Peace. Even when I, full of Holy Ghost zeal, was going to raise him from the dead and Abba said, "No."...only Peace.

Understandably, my mother-in-law had questions...so many...questions...

Shane had questions...so many..questions...

My sister-in-law had questions...so many...questions...

But all were met with silence.

Silence that SCREAMED at them.

Silence that came from that hospital room when the bed shook and the desperate demand echoed thru the emergency room, "Wake up!"

Silence that came from the halls as a desperate woman refused to leave her husband there.

The same silence that screamed at many in that same hospital in different areas and in different ways...

As the afternoon turned into evening and as family gathered, I moved further into the background allowing my husband to be the comforter that his mother needed....in doing this, there were many quiet moments of observation.

Things I observed:

            #1 - People who are grieving don't need to be told that it's ok.

It is most definitely NOT ok, and never will be again.  
          
            #2 - People who are trying to console and comfort can, unintentionally, say stupid things.

Even I had questions, but mine weren't what you would expect them to be, considering how much I loved this man. My questions were more along these lines:

Daddy, where do we go from here?
Does she have a way to stay here in her home? (She is a homemaker)
What about her medications?
Did he have life insurance?

I still feel oddly that I havent asked the ever echoing "Why??" question.

Anyway, I remember saying to my Abba, "This is crazy...I know they mean well, but if you are speechless, then just let it stay that way...Just be silent..."

And then the 'silence' made sense to me.

Even if I had all the technical answers to the questions my mother-in-law has, they wouldn't be enough, because no answer, no matter how technical and accurate,  could give her what she really wanted...her husband. The only thing that can really give her comfort is to be held and told that she is loved and not alone. The only thing can help her is to let her cry and wail and be desperate...mourning doesnt need any words other than the ones that the mourner is pouring out.

When horrible things happen and we scream questions at heaven and silence responds... there is no answer that will give us what we really want. Answers do not bring comfort. His arms do. So when heaven is silent, it's not coldness and apathy toward our situation. He's not ignoring us. He's giving us what we REALLY need...not answers, but His arms. Not unnecessary verbage...but comfort and peace.

Words never made me feel secure. Words never made me feel safe. Words never helped to dispel loneliness. Words never helped to dry my tears...

But strong arms did. A heartbeat under my ear did. Weeping into someone's chest did...

Sometimes...

Sometimes silence screams.

And then,

Sometimes...

Sometimes silence is an embrace.

                                                                   I'll miss you, Pop.