Jes Cawl Me "Pearl".

I've been a little off lately.

          A little quiet.

                 A little snappy at times.

                       A lot thoughtful and reflective.

                               A little...hermit-ish.


Noise gets on my nerves...which makes navigating my day with 6 kids an adventure.

O_O

I just want to be left alone these days.  

Crazy, huh?

To love people so much and yet just want to be away from people...



In the stillness.

       In the quiet.

             Alone with Him.

                      In our garden...just the two of us.



Complexity frustrates me, when it used to not bother me one iota, and I find myself asking the question, "Why is this so hard?...I mean really...it's not that hard." And I take a deep breath and "ooosahhhhh" my way through practices, conversations, daily activities, etc.

I relish simplicity and solitude. 

So, when I got an email from a prophetic community that I subscribe to and it spoke of simplicity All that kinda made more sense.

 It spoke of how the Father was calling us to this place where less is more and more is less.  This certainly explains why I feel the uncontrollable urge to simplify everything in my life...and by association, my family's lives get simplified too, haha!

Poor Family.  :)

Even my worship has become more simple.

Now, I don't mean that I've become the one that just walks away from complex issues or turns their back on things and opportunities just because its not simple or convenient...Hang out in my life for a week...HA! You will see its just the opposite.


I mean that in worship:

I simply love Him.

    I simply adore Him.

        I simply talk to Him.

            I simply pour out my devotion on Him.

                I simply approach Him.

                    I simply honor Him.

                         I simply prepare to encounter Him.

Simply Simple.

So, the simplicity urge was explained...but I just couldn't put my finger on the "obscurity" and wanting to withdraw from public eye and recognition.

Even a trusted friend said, last night, that it was that lack of desire to be seen that caused Papa to trust me and put me in the public eye, and that I better get used to it...but I just don't want it right now.

Make sense?

Hear my heart. I want EVERYTHING that my Papa has for me, when He has it for me. If He says, "Go to that platform and release your gifts." I will put aside my aversion to the spotlight and go, happily...joyfully...knowing that my obedience blesses Him greatly.

 I love Him, so I go with no resentment or insecurity. I simply mean that, if I had my choice, I would push someone else into that place instead of me...not because I feel inadequate, but because I genuinely have no desire to be exalted.  Hasn't always been the case, but it's where I am now.

..and I keep hearing the word,

"Obscurity"

Before I share the revelation that wrecked me today, I must rewind a bit.

I have a sister. 

Not biological, but my sister none-the-less.

We are spiritual twinsies.  We are connected so deeply that even though she lives states away, we know when the other is struggling and we know when the other is praying...among other very.... strange.... things, haha.

We are both POWERFUL prophetic worshipers in our own rites, but when we get together....woah.

Holy Wrecking Ball, Batman. 

I'm not boasting. 

I'm simply stating this based on the tangible effects of His glory when we are leading in honor-driven, obedient worship...Honor and obedient, being the key words.

She came to Georgia, yesterday and joined me on stage for an Encounter service. Needless to say, The Lion of Judah came in like a flood and swept us all away...like He usually does when we worship together.

She had to go home this morning.

Sad Face.

Suddenly, I was struck with an insecurity I have not felt in AGES.

Our students have experienced HER worship, and they have experienced MY worship, but never have they experienced what happened last night when we joined our anointings and entered in as one...together...in perfect unity.

Imperfectly Perfect. 

The enemy of my soul whispered into my ear,

"You can not worship alone. You can not worship effectively without her. You can not go to those deep deep places without her. The students loved your unified worship. If you lead them alone, they will remember this night and wish that she was with you."  

Like I said,  a LIE. 

Normally, I can recognize it and call it what it is, but coupled with the fact that I know we are designed to worship together and that we most definitely will worship in nations together....and that I was SORELY missing her...and...

BAM!

Open door for the lie.

I texted her immediately and here is that text:

"Annnnnnd I just came under attack! Wow. I just got hit with STUPIDness. Ugh! It's a lie, but wow. I just had this intense insecurity come over me that I CAN'T lead worship without you...especially for our youth...bc they have experienced our connection and it won't be nearly as powerful by myself! What in the world?! I REBUKE that! I am enough! I am powerful! I am His mouthpiece..."  

And this is where is gets revelatory.

Who knew that an auto correct would lead me into 

revelation and holy wreckage..??? 

Haha..He did. 

"...I am His mouthpiece and **hand made jewelry** for the display of His splendor"

Yeah. It was supposed to read "hand maiden".  

It was RIGHT then that I heard the voice of my Papa God say,

"You are my pearl...the one I found in a field...the field I sold everything for and purchased so I could have that prize."

"Wait, what? A pearl...in a field..?? I have a field...."

My revelation sensors began tingling...  because, I have a field.  It's our garden, mine and His and i go there a lot...this field of wheat...and He said I was a pearl that He found...and that He gave everything to PURCHASE the field that I was ALREADY IN and...

I could feel Him smile,

"You are a pearl...made from a grain of sand...cultivated in secret...in obscurity. I have kept you hidden to retain your purity and now I will put you with others like you in a strand to present to my precious bride as a wedding gift and you will adorn her neck with simplicity, purity, and beauty at the wedding of the Lamb."

OhdearGod.

I'm a mess.

I'm a pearl.

SHANDAI!