That Moment When Alone Time Isn't Worth It

It had been a long day for me at work, traveling between two offices.

It looked something like this:

Forgot my lunch, left my coffee in the car, temps actually got above freezing and my car decided that it only wanted to emit HEAT from the vents that refused to actually BLOW, finally ate a very late lunch but my stomach was pissed by that time and...Wow. All of this on the heels of very little sleep after staying up to watch the sad loss of the Championship Game to Bama (good game guys!).  Needless to say, I was more than pooped and wanted nothing more than to head straight for my big, comfy bed to collapse under 200 pounds of blankets.

Get all that??

I came in the garage door, marched/dragged...Ok. It was more like a crawl... to the bedroom, threw on my PJs and slipped into bed.  I grabbed my phone and did a little work, Maddie came in from school...All was quiet...Except in my stomach. Lawd help.

And THENNNNN the kiddos got home.

Nacho needed help with homework. I was too queasy to get up and help, so the Nacho comes to my bed and sets up camp. (Que the epic attempt to maintain the nice mommy voice while praying that my stomach would settle as he's wiggling and bouncing on the bed...)

Buggie was missing mama and asked to come snuggle.  Well, of course you can...Just try to be still, ok? (More sick mommy patience...that, IF I'm being real, finally turned into STRAINED patience and "Lily, please get off the bed before I puke."...Which in turn caused some crocodile tears and needed an apology from me.)

Tears kissed away and home work finally done, Nacho felt bad for me so he put away his books and bookbag (and by put away I meant that he took them to the dining room and tossed them) and came and snuggled up next to me and we settled down.

Bless him. That baby.

He's been asking for 3 weeks AT LEAST to go run with me and his dad, but it's just been TOO FRIGGIN COLD.  Today it was actually pretty mild and, on the way home, I was thinking about running with him...Then the stomach issues hit.  Apparently, he had been thinking about it too because, as he snuggled deep into my arms and we disappeared under tons of covers, he said, "Mama? When you feel better, later, can we go for a run?"

I sighed inwardly, feeling all of his "little boy" expectation and hope and said, "Yes, baby. When I feel better we can run." When really, all I wanted to do was to just stay put and sleep off my tummy problems.  I sucked it up and snuggled him closer, knowing that he's ten and in a year or two he won't want my arms around him like this, nor will he want to spend time with me.

Satisfied and comfy he nestled into me a little deeper.

I closed my eyes for five GLORIOUS minutes. 

Theeeeeeen other half of the family got home.

Sweet Lamb of God.

Face palm.

One hyper little guy who had not had his afternoon meds because he was at therapy AND at a med-check visit to increase his med strength, that took ENTIRELY too long, a hungry high school wrestler and a frustrated studhubs.

Code Language: Lots of NOISE....And honestly? A lot of "mom-guilt".

Not from them...From my own self. That's another topic for another day, though.

Anywho, I got up and helped with dinner for the horde...Well...Piddled is more accurate...The studhubs was the real hero in all that, lol.

We were BOTH grumpy and generally not fun people to be around, so after we...Ahem...HE...Got the kiddos fed, we BOTH decided that no matter what, we needed to run off some steam, haha.

I still felt gross, but I determined to get myself up and OUT to breathe, stretch out my sore muscles, and clear my head. So I pulled off my PJs and slipped on my leggings, a hoodie, and my running shoes.

Que Nacho.

"Mama? Are you feeling better?"

I knew what he was wanting to know. And for a moment, I wanted to tell him that he could run with me another time...That I just wanted to be alone for a little while...That I needed a moment, just for me.  But I knew that what sounded like peace to me, would sound like rejection to him. So I smiled and said, "No, but I'm going to run anyway. Want to come with me??"

His entire face lit up and he jumped up and, in literal seconds, he had his warm-ups on and was throwing on his tennis shoes, lol.  No words needed in his reply, haha!

**Mental note: Buy that child some new warm ups that fit. Pedal pushers are super stylish running gear, said no one ever. 

So the studhubs, myself and a very happy Nachoman walked out of the organized chaos happening in the house to go run.

I was unsure if he would be able to keep up...And he wasn't either. In fact, he asked me if I would stay with him if he was too slow.  It was also dark, by that time, and he was nervous about it so his dad set him up with a beanie that has LED lights on it. (He was OVERLY stoked about that, haha!) and off we went.

We started at a pretty decent pace and I was surprised...And pretty impressed... that he could keep up. Shane noticed that his breathing needed a little help so he told him to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth.  Nacho wanted to know why, and I told him the why of it.  He was satisfied with that answer because he trusts us.  Because he's seen us be faithful to workout and live healthier lives...Because he's heard me nail his dad for incorrect form, HAHA!!

To him, we know everything. Its a HUGE responsibility that, when he asks us questions, that we take the time to tell him the RIGHT one...The answer that is truth and not opinion...The answer that will lead him in the direction of self discovery and empowerment, because our answers are shaping him.  Our answers are shaping every part of him. His mind, his heart, his beliefs, his self-love, his view on God, on mankind...Everything.

He kept pace.  He dropped back and I slowed my pace a little, only for him to go blazing past me in  a full sprint to catch up with his dad and hang with him for a bit.  About half a mile in, he asked me if he could sprint now.

"Sure! Go for it!"

I watched him and smiled as he took off and disappeared in the dark except for his little light on his beanie. I couldn't see his path, but he could and I trusted that.  He trotted back victoriously and huffed, "Did you see how fast I went?! I was FLYING!"

"You sure were! Holy COW, you were scooting, bud! Your feet were on fire!"

His LED light was burning my retinas so I couldn't see his face but I could hear the smile in his voice and feel his pride and pleasure.

He was quiet most of the run. It was as if he knew his dad and I needed it. So perceptive. He didn't want to talk with us. He just wanted to be with us.  And it was so pleasant and refreshing and fun.

As we rounded the 3/4 mile mark, we had just topped a decent incline, and he was huffing.

"Mama...I think I need to stop..."

"If you feel like you NEED to, then I will stop with you...But we are almost there, buddy...And it's all down hill...It's the easiest part. Want to give it try?"

It's like that was all he needed...Just someone to believe in his ability to finish. The little guy kicked it in to sprint mode and caught up with his dad and hung with him to the finish.  His need satisfied, he asked if he could go in while we took another lap, and I was so proud of him. Proud of him for his accomplishment and proud that I was his mom.

He's an awesome kid...And he sometimes gets lost in the "big family" scenario.

I need to be better about this.

As I was running the second lap, Papa showed me a few things and one of them was this:

The younger generation of revivalists want to run. They feel the need to connect and the urge to "run".  The problem is that many of us who are running now, are so over stimulated and busy that we JUST want to run alone.

But what seems like peace and quiet and "rest" to us, looks like rejection to them...Whether that's the case or not.  I'm not saying that we have to drop our lives, but I am saying that we need to be sensitive to moments when Papa might be doing something in them...Wanting to teach them something...And He wants to use our expertise to do it.

He also showed me that we underestimate their ability to stay with us at a pace that we feel is the most effective. Instead of setting a pace, we will allow their inexperience to set it for us. That's where our boredom and frustration sets in with them...When, if we will simply set a reasonable pace to follow, they will come along side. Sometimes they will sprint. Sometimes they will jog. Sometimes they will walk...But we keep pace with them. Isn't that what our Father does with us?

Sometimes they will sprint past us into dark places that we can't see their paths.  But they have a light. They can see where they are running and we have to trust the God in them, to be able to run in the dark.  When they come running back, the glory on their lives is blinding. 

Will they always make good path choices? No. But if we are running with them, then we will come upon them and then we help them to get back on the safe way. The problem I see a lot is that we are either too involved in our own race to notice they have gone "off path" or we are frustrated at their immaturity and leave them to their own devices.  My love for my son would not allow me to run past him...and the love of our Father will not allow Him to ever leave us abandoned...Yet there is a generation of abandoned revivalists who need a familiar voice to call out to them, "Hey! Where did you go? We're over here!", and, "Oh! You're lost? Stay put and call out to me! I'm coming!"

Oh, and this, haha!

"Did you see me?? Did you see how FAST I ran??"

It's so fun when they find their feet and run, lol. And it's so important to celebrate those victories...Even if it's small compared to what you can personally do, it's HUGE to them. Every day they are stretching their legs and gaining strength and they will come to us with those victories or they will go to a toxic world for affirmation.  Why not celebrate with them? Now, before they have fully matured and life has a chance to beat them down...Teach them the truth, not opinion. Teach them how to run with longevity instead of letting them figure it our on their own. Don't be too busy to share your own personal truth and experiences.

And when it gets hard, instead of letting them give up, offer the option of finishing...Because really? All they need is for SOMEONE to just believe in them. To believe that they really are amazing and so strong. To believe that they really can accomplish all the mountainous greatness that they are dreaming of.  To believe that an awkward little penguin could actually fly. (WHY AM I CRYING RIGHT NOW?!?!?!)

Sometimes, they can get a little lost in all the big stuff we have going on.  They can slip through the cracks unintentionally.  I love my son. I would never intentionally let him feel abandoned or like he wasn't important. I have to get better about being intentional.  I think we ALL do. 

This generation of revivalists...They just want someone to run with.

Let it be you.