Ok. Flag on the Play.

Can I just be real with y'all for a bit?  Really?  Ok, thanks.

I've wanted to talk about this for a long time, now, but I needed to make sure my heart was healed before I tackled trying to verbalize what happened to me and what it did to me....Because bleeding hearts can be dangerous weapons.

I thank Papa God for the community of believers He led our family to after all had happened, for it was there that He told me that my heart was broken and that I had had my identity stripped from me and that I needed to be reminded of who I was.  Facing my pain and insecurities that came as a result of mistaken identity, false accusations, and underlying agendas was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, outside of facing sexual abuse from my childhood.

Realizing and understanding fully that you have been manipulated for one's own purposes by people you love and trust is devastating...IF you aren't surrounded by those who love you for who you are (not what you can give) and who continually speak the Truth over your aching heart.

That being said, I want to tell you a little bit of a story...My story...And my prayer is that someone will be encouraged by what I went through and how Papa showed His love for me, for those who used me,  and that you would know that you are not alone...and that healing is possible.  Papa is a good Papa...And He's really good at loving.  But sometimes? Sometimes, as His kids, we just aren't...and there has to be grace for that. One thing I'm finding, though, is that grace for a wrong doesn't always equal silence.

Being this vulnerable is super scary for me, but He has told me that it its the last part of my healing in this area, so here I am...baring my soul...and my past pains and struggles...

(Deep breath. C'mon, Nicki...You can do this.)

"It's time, Beloved."

(I hear You, Papa...I know...)

So here we go: 

If you will go back to the beginning of this blog and read, you will notice that I was the lead singer of an amazing metal band and also a worship leader in a house of faith that I was devoted to.  Let me tell you how I got to be in that place. :)

I had been leading this band for about 3 years when we ran across the freedom in worship that we found at this particular house of faith.  If you looked at me, then, I was the typical rock-star:  Lean build, blue and black hair, wild/chic style.  I knew who I was and I commanded attention when I walked into a room...Not because I was beautiful or sexy in anyway...But because I was confident and bold, and that was striking in a culture full of insecure and fearful women. 

I remember walking in and seeing a chick with pink hair on the stage, and another with long green hair in the sound booth and I remember thinking, "I'm accepted here..."

You see, every other house of faith that we had been a part of had loved me, and because they loved me, they tolerated my eccentricities...But I never felt that I was ever fully accepted unless I fit their model of normalcy. So, when I stepped through the doors with blue and black hair, no one stared at me like I was an idiot.  The guitar was screaming and there was smoke and flashing lights...And it was ALOT like our concerts...and I felt at home.

Being accustomed to being used by leadership because of my talents and gifts, I had determined to keep my identity as a musician/songwriter/worship leader close to my vest for as long as I could.  I sat an watched how this placed worked. I could pick out who was real and who was performing and I kept to myself.

After about 6 months of this, and getting to know these sweet people, I began to love them and feel safe with them. I have a crazy-deep love for my Papa God and we go to some crazy-deep places in worship, and for the first time, I actually wanted to take these people with me.  They had become my family, and I had a fierce, unexplainable love for our pastor....Like I would fight you if you talked bad about him.

SO! I reached out and asked about worship team. This is when the information about my identity was revealed and, suddenly, I'm rearranging a band practice schedule that had been in place for two years to accommodate this new venture into full blown corporate worship leading.  I was the sound that they had been looking for...Edgy and new...And had the look and personality to carry it.

I went to worship practice once, sang a little harmony...And went home. I knew that the protocol was that all leaders had to go through this ministry's leadership training before you could lead in any way, and I was totally prepared to do this...Because I wanted to serve those I loved.

In less than two weeks, the worship pastor (at the time) pulled me aside one Wednesday evening and told me that our pastor had asked if I would lead the worship set in two Wednesday's time.  I was like, "Ummm...But I haven't been through the training...? Is that ok? I mean, I am planning to go through it as soon as it opens again, but..."

"No, no, no..." He laughed and shook his head, "That's great that you want to do that, but it's not necessary for you."

I was confused.

"Not neccesary?" I asked.

"Not for you." He smiled brightly. "You and Shane were pastors of your own church before you joined us, and you definitely have all the qualifications and talent to lead, so Pastor said that it wasn't necessary for you to go through the training."

It sounded right, at the time, but looking back I see the beginning of the manipulation and the flattery.

So I jumped in, head-long...Me and my family.

I won't go into detail about the hours and hours and HOURS involved in what that looked like, but it was crazy.  We had to be "in it to win it" if we wanted to be actively in leadership. This looked like our families never seeing us and them having to come to US on special days...Which is NEVER healthy nor is it the heart of the Father.  Family is ALWAYS first.

Years went by and I poured my gifts and heart out every Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights...and every service I was praised.  Pastor even went so far as to tell me, one night, that I was one of the most powerful female vocalists he had ever heard and that he was so honored that I was on his worship team.

During these years, I was so lonely.  My husband was working all of the time and I was a stay at home mom when I wasn't rocking or worshiping, and I spent hours upon hours CONSUMING the Word of God...Growing closer to His heart and learning to hear His voice so clearly...And He began showing me amazing, challenging things...I was craving conversation and Jesus is a really awesome conversationalist. HA!

I was growing. I was hungry...And I was WILDLY in love with Jesus. Looking back, that season changed my life in so many beautiful ways...

One night, I had been asked to speak for a youth event. Afterward, Pastor approached me in tears and told me that Shane and I had a voice that could speak to this generation like no other.  Thus began the process to groom us to eventually to become their youth pastors. Teenagers loved us. Shane is a skrait fool, and I looked like Rockstar Barbie, lol.  Add our passion and zeal for the heart of the Father and BOOM! Every pastor's dream.

In the September that we agreed to be the youth pastors, God spoke to my heart and said that in a year's time, that I would need to be off their stage completely and to approach the new worship leader with this information....With no reason why other than, "That's what Abba said to do, and I trust Him."  So I did. I asked her to remove me gradually because, again, God had told me that it would be the healthiest release and she agreed.

In January, it started to make sense why I needed to step back because Papa connected me with some amazing people in the Carolinas and I beagan to travel to lead worship.  By May of that year, Pastor had the Associate Pastor to call me about my absences and to remind me that worship wasn't the same with out me there...And that I was a huge part of OUR house of faith...Not anyone else's.  He wanted to know what my motive was for traveling to worship....And thus began the pressure to remain local and thus began the identity theft.

I can't tell you how many nights I wept in my Papa's arms, asking Him if my motives were pure...Asking Him to close doors that would lead me away from His love and will for my life...Asking Him to show me my heart and to cleanse it.  Why? Because I adore Him. He is my everything and I couldn't bear the thought of taking any glory for my own when He is the One my soul loves.  I was tormented...Constantly second guessing every opportunity that presented itself. Constantly looking inward to judge my motives in every situation, instead of looking outward toward His eyes and love for me.

Introspection turned into fear and that began to turn into resentment. Resentment toward my husband for saying he supported me but making me feel guilty for doing what HE had told me he thought was God's will. Resentment toward my leadership for laying the responsibility for the success and failure of worship squarely upon my shoulders.  I began to feel trapped but I didn't know what to do or how to express it...or if it was even RIGHT to feel this way??

By late October of the following year, I was still on the worship schedule and had pretty much curtailed most of my travel if it would interfere with my ability to be present at services. There were many weekends when I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had heard from Papa and would go minister, and then drive through the night to be at the church, exhausted, but present on Sunday morning...And my exhaustion was met with an air of, "you're bringing this on yourself."

Soon, Papa reminded me that it had been a year and that it was time to step down. I approached the worship leader and reminded her of our conversation a year prior. I asked to be done with the worship team by the following January, so as to wean myself out of the lineup (Which had never happened) and she decided that it would be best for all if I just didn't come back.  I offered to still lead once or twice a month or for special occasions if she thought that would make the transition easier, and she said that it wasn't fair to those who were committed to the team.   Thus began the guilt.

By December, Shane and I were full into our second year as youth pastors and focusing all of our efforts on the group and were seeing WILD changes in their hearts and passion for God AND His word and I was no longer on the worship team.  It had been about a month when the Associate Pastor approached us and said that he was feeling a disconnect with us...Yet we were more connected than we had ever been...barring my presence on stage.  Over and over he reached out to us about this disconnect that he had been feeling for the last month, on our part, and we kept asking him how we could be more connected...which was met with unclear answers.

Again, I ran to my Papa's arms and wept. I agonized over it. I ran through scenarios of what we were doing and involved in  and what we could do to connect more and why he would feel this way.  Then Papa asked me a question that began to open my eyes to what was happening.

"Nicki, beloved. Instead of asking why he feels this way, why not ask yourself what has changed in the last month. There you will find the answer you are looking for..."

I sat quietly and thought back over the changes of the last month and it dawned on me that I wasn't on the stage anymore...That he wasn't seeing me every Sunday leading worship. Some days I was in the front row, and others I was in the back...watching the Father move in beautiful ways. Some days, I was late to worship..well..because kids. Lol.

This was the disconnect.  I began to feel that familiar sinking feeling...I was being used...Again.  I loved these people though. Surely this wasn't the case. So, I approached him to make a deal. I offered the same thing that I had offered the worship leader and told him I had done so.  He didn't realize this and took me with him as he asked her about it...Which she vetoed.  Even though the disconnect wasn't resolved, at least I had closure and some sort of validation.

In January, my heart was broken beyond what I thought could ever be repaired.  We had lost our business, our home, our credit, our savings...Everything but Jesus, each other and our kiddos.  It was a heavy weight on us...Trying to press through and carry on.  We stopped paying our tithe, as little as it was. (GASP!! ) and even though we trusted our Papa completely,  it was a season of grieving for us.  Our leadership called us and asked to meet with us because they were concerned about us and we thought, "Thank you, Father for people who care about us. "

We entered that meeting expecting to be encouraged and lifted and loved on.

The reality was that that meeting was about me.

I was told that my worship exploits were causing strain on my marriage, my family, and our finances...Even though our personal money never paid for a single trip and I was given honorariums to cover my expenses...

I was told that I was seeking after platforms and trying to establish a legacy outside of what God had given me to establish. What could our youth group look like if I focused solely upon them?

I kinda thought that's what I had been doing...Being that almost the entire group was prophesying and operating in words of knowledge and actually healing cancer and other issues...not to mention the beautiful, spontaneous prophetic worship that was beginning to come out of them.

I was told that it wasn't fair to my husband to expect him to be "mom" while I was gone because men aren't as good at that as women are.

I was told that I was abandoning my God-given responsibilities there at OUR house of faith.

I was told that I was being irresponsible with the gifts and talents that God had given me and that I was disobedient if I had these gifts that could bless the house and willfully chose not to operate in them. 

We were told that it was obvious that we were struggling and that we weren't going as hard after God in worship anymore.

All of this was said with compassionate tone and loving eyes, but with one agenda in mind...to bring the prodigal worshiper home.

We sat there in shock and I was devastated...Like...To my core. How could I have poured my life into this place for so many years and be so open and transparent and have them have NO IDEA who I was....How??  Was what they were saying true?  Was I after platforms?  Was I being selfish? Was I the reason our business had failed and lives were in shambles? Was I really the cause of all of this??? Oh God. Oh God.

I wept huge, racking sobs all the way home.  I found my way into Papa's lap again and felt like dying.  I felt like a bird in a cage. A bird that had fallen for an awful trick and had lost her freedom...never to regain it again.  I felt the full weight of every word they said to me and spoke over me for the past 5 years.  I secretly cried for weeks. I prayed for them and I prayed for me.  I blessed them and loved them on purpose and refused to allow negative thoughts to creep into my thought life about them. I refused to speak or think anything that wasn't blessing and I actively chose to believe that they really did mean the best and that they really did love me...But not every day was a success in my thought life. 

One day, I was talking with my mom about it and she said something that hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Nicki...You feel this way because you are in a cage and you were never meant to be in a cage.  You are a cageless bird...God has opened the door...Why don't you just fly?"

It resonated so deeply...so much so that I wrote my first song in years. You can listen to it by clicking the link.

https://youtu.be/72EW_dZ8KQw

Unashamedly, it is about my experiences with churches who have their own agendas that have nothing to do with the heart of the Father, but rather what their churches and services look like and how they manipulate and use the gifts of those who fly high in the Father's Love.

After this,  I decided that, for sure, I couldn't return to that stage.  I would not ever trust another minister or ministry in regard to my leading worship, and that I would rather never utter another sound than to EVER have ANYONE think that I was after my own fame or recognition.  If I wasn't actually leading, I began to shrink back in corporate worship so that no one would hear me. If I noticed that someone was listening or looking at me,  I would stop singing all together.

"You have a beautiful voice!" Became like salt in a wound and I loathed hearing it.  I secretly wished that there was such a thing as a sound proof room where I could go and worship without anyone being able to hear me and judge my motives. I began to gain weight.  After going through healing and counseling in this, I realize that this was also self-preservation behaviors...Because everything I am is connected to my identity as a levite worshiper...every part of me. My health, my mental awareness, my relationships, my...Everything...And it was stolen from me and I was more miserable than I thought I actually was.

I learned to cope with the pain and this shy, hidden, distrusting person became my identity. A far cry from the confident Betty-Bad-Ass that I had been. 

Then Papa said, "You have to go through School of Supernatural Ministry to walk where I am calling you to walk."  I had no idea that He, in His LOVELY sneaky way, had planned to heal my broken places and force me to face that thing that was standing in the way of His love for me.

The night healing came, I remember it so vividly...I was sitting on the back row during opening worship on a night we affectionately call the "Father Talk" night, and I just could NOT get into worship. I was restless and just....UGH!  The music and the voices were like fingernails on chalkboard. It was beautiful, but it was driving me nuts.

"PAPA!" I shouted inwardly. "WHAT. IS. GOING. ON?!"

The following words wrecked my life and opened to door to the grieving process:

"You are missing this."

"No..." I shook my head in denial, "I'm pretty sure I don't."

"Yes."

"Papa, I do this all the time. I do NOT miss this."

"You are missing the community. You are missing the family. You are missing leading people you love into the deeper places.  You are missing this."

I sat in silence.

"Its been 3 years since you felt connected to a people.  It's been 3 years since you were on a stage with family.  It's been 3 years since you led people into My Presence at 'Home'." 

I fell apart....You know what I'm talking about. Full blown, ugly cry.

"I don't want this anymore." I wept, "I don't DESERVE this anymore..."

But He wasn't done.

"I can see you now. I can see the love in your eyes. You laid yourself down, and you're raising up the broken to life...

Beloved daughter, Its ok to mourn.  You feel the loss of something that was taken from you. You were told that you were unfit, but that was a lie and I was not in that.  I gave you that "child".  I planted that seed deep with in you. I overshadowed you and caused it to grow and take shape within your heart and spirit, and you were like Mary.  You gave yourself wholly to Me. 

You forsook the opinions of others to be near to My heart...To bless My heart...And amidst ridicule and hostile words that were intended to break your heart, you brought forth that seed in love and with an unoffendable heart.  You brought it forth because it was Mine and you loved Me.  You loved this gift and nurtured it with your whole heart and you gave it back to Me as beautiful offering.  I was happy to place it back into your capable arms, because I can trust you with it. 

It seemed to you that this "child" was taken from you and you miss it deeply, Beloved.  The loss was a great one for you...because you have felt that you allowed the precious gift that I gave to you to be stolen and you feel deeply responsible.  In the midst of it all, you have chosen to remain unoffended and, at times, it has been hard for you.  There have been times when you have followed your thoughts down an offended road, but you have been quick to stop and return to the path of love.  I have seen all and I have loved you. 

Our "child" is still ours and no one can steal it away. Separation is only an illusion.  As you have chosen to remain unoffended, your heart has been healing and I have defended you and kept you.  Your promise will be in your arms again, soon.  Just lean into Me.  Mourn the loss.  Allow yourself that. It was painful.  You felt betrayal because you trusted so deeply and it was abused.  Feeling the reality of that is right and good, dear one.  Feeling is how you process.  Feeling is how you heal.  We will mourn together, you and I, but you must remember that this separation is only an illusion...types and shadows...

I hold your promise securely in My arms.  Ready your arms again, My beloved Bride...For I am returning the promises stolen back to your arms, and you shall arise and shine for the Light of the World is upon you and My Glory rises over you....My Bright and Shining One...Bright and Shining Victory is your name. "

I was undone. Un. DONE.

For the first time in 3 years, I allowed myself to grieve the loss of my ability to worship corporately with those that I love. I grieved the injustices that had been done to my heart. I allowed myself to feel the anger over the lies that had been told about me and the things that were said and done to mislead others about my motives.  I allowed myself to mourn the loss of trust in relationships that had meant the world to me. I allowed myself to long for Papa's stage again without fear that it was me seeking attention or fame.  I allowed myself to receive love from the Father that I was led to believe that I didn't deserve.  I allowed myself to see how wrong it was for someone to place success or failure of an entire worship service upon my shoulders.  I allowed myself to feel the betrayal of our closest friends having secret conversations about me and judging my heart.  I allowed myself to feel the chains of control and manipulations falling off of me as I chose to see all of this and forgive and love in spite of it.  I allowed myself to FEEL.

For so long, I thought that remaining unoffended meant not actually thinking about or processing the offense...Just casting out those thoughts that cause pain and replacing them with blessing... But Papa showed me that being unoffendable means that we FEEL and we PROCESS and we choose to forgive and let go.

I hope this helps someone out there.  I'm still finding little areas that twinge every now and then when I see these people or think about certain things...And in those moments, I am finding myself more and more often, crawling into my Papa's lap and feeling all of it, processing it with Him...and then loving them afresh and anew because He has such a lovely way of giving me His perspective...which is always good and always true.

And for the record.  If you are a leader in any area: Please know that the words you say and the things you do affect the hearts of those who support you and trust you, deeply.  It's a big deal. I've recently had some reality checks in this area, myself, and had to do some repenting.  You will never know how much your attempts to guilt someone into submission will effect their lives and their abilities to connect with God.  It all boils down to one thing: Is my plan bigger and more important than the heart of the person sitting here in front of me?

Think about that and then adjust to meet the love of the Father...because when you do that?

Beautiful, reckless love collides with purpose and destiny and there arise the Sons and Daughters of God.